The world of dating can seem turbulent, tumultuous, and troubling as it is. But if you or someone you love has borderline personality disorder (BPD), it can be even more difficult.

BPD relationships have their moments where they seem impossible. However, they are entirely possible. You just need to take extra steps to ensure longevity and communication within the relationship.

Throughout this article, we’ll walk through some of the major hurdles that can arise in a BPD relationship.

What is BPD?

Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is a mental health condition marked by shifts in emotional and mental states. These can cause conflict in your daily life and how you perceive and deal with relationships. ¹

BPD episodes range from subdued behavior to wildly erratic reactions. Nine common BPD symptoms are required to make a diagnosis, including: ²

•  An intense fear of abandonment, even going to extreme measures to avoid real or imagined separation or rejection.
• A pattern of unstable intense relationships, such as idealizing someone one moment and then suddenly believing the person doesn’t care enough or is cruel.
• Rapid changes in self-identity and self-image, including shifting goals and values, and seeing yourself as bad or as if you don’t exist.
• Periods of stress-related paranoia and loss of contact with reality, lasting from a few minutes to a few hours.
• Impulsive and risky behavior, such as gambling, reckless driving, unsafe sex, spending sprees, binge eating or drug abuse, or sabotaging success by suddenly quitting a good job or ending a positive relationship.
• Suicidal threats or behavior or self-injury, often in response to fear of separation or rejection.
• Wide mood swings lasting from a few hours to a few days, which can include intense happiness, irritability, shame, or anxiety.
• Ongoing feelings of emptiness.
• Inappropriate, intense anger, such as frequently losing your temper, being sarcastic or bitter, or having physical fights.

BPD Dating Difficulties

Entering a new relationship can be a beautiful experience, filled with discovery, wonder, and excitement. However, if you struggle with BPD, a new relationship can also be an extremely vulnerable period.

When it comes to BPD and dating, there are a few difficulties that you and your partner are bound to come across throughout your relationship.

We’re going to go through these difficulties and how they affect relationships. From there, we’ll discuss how you and your partner can find ways to cope and deal with these issues.

Abandonment Sensitivity

One of the most difficult elements of BPD relationships is abandonment sensitivity. This varies from person to person but is common enough among BPD couples. ³

Abandonment sensitivity is the concern that you or your partner will abandon a relationship. This often develops from childhood and can stem outside of romance, including fears of friends or family member abandonment.

Sometimes, BPD will convince you that your partner will abandon you before you can act. Therefore, you abandon your partner before they can make the first move. Other times, you may develop clingy attachment styles to ensure your partner doesn’t abandon you.

Control Over People and Situations

As mentioned, your abandonment sensitivity may lead you to try and control people and situations for your own peace of mind. Sometimes, partners of those with BPD feel stifled, suffocated, and smothered by their partners. ⁴

If you have BPD, you may become suspicious of your partner – questioning their intentions, whereabouts, and daily schedule. These are usually brought upon by a fear of your partner being unfaithful or leaving you.

Inability to Control Compulsions

Compulsive behaviors are common for people with BPD. Such behaviors can lead to several problems, including emotional outbursts, infidelity, and lying. ⁵

To control these compulsions, you need to receive a consistent treatment plan. Psychotherapy and some medications will help to ease BPD symptoms and give you more control over your behaviors. ⁶

The Do’s & Don’ts

When it comes to a BPD relationship, there are a few “do’s” and “don’ts” you’ll want to keep in mind as you navigate this romance:

DO Be Honest and Open

When it comes to any healthy, long-lasting relationship, open and honest communication is essential. This may prove to be more important in BPD relationships due to the sudden and severe shifts in emotional and mental states.

Open communication ensures you will be more able to overcome complications and issues. On top of that, whether you or your partner has BPD, honest conversations will allow you or your partner to ensure there’s no suspicion or fear of abandonment among the other party.

Still, BPD can make it difficult for a partner to open up and communicate. In some instances, a BPD partner may be very open in the initial stages of a relationship and then close themselves off. This can make it difficult to navigate emotions and may require therapeutic intervention. ⁷

DON’T Try to “Go Alone” with Treatment

If you are in BPD treatment, your partner needs to get involved. Beyond being aware of what your treatment looks like, they will need to take steps to involve themselves in the treatment.

This looks different for every couple. Some may need to help you set reminders for when to take medication. Others may need to help provide you with grounding techniques for when your emotions are very high.

DO Find Appropriate Ways to Cope

You’ll want to incorporate healthy coping mechanisms into your life regardless of whether or not you’re in a relationship. However, you’ll find these coping techniques will come in handy when dealing with a relationship’s heightened emotions.

These may include, but are not limited to: ⁸

• Self-Care – Sleeping, eating, and exercising regularly.

• Distractions – Such as taking a warm bath or shower, listening to calming music, or doing practical activities, like gardening.

• Cognitive Strategies – Taking negative thought patterns and turning them into positive mantras.

• Social Support – Reaching out to loved ones or social groups to help understand your emotions and in your times of need.

DON’T Stifle One Another

Although finding ways to be together is great, you still want to try and carve out alone time. You don’t want to be too attached to your partner. As mentioned, BPD can create abandonment issues that lead to clinging patterns. Such patterns are suffocating and may turn your partner away.

References

¹ Chapman J, Jamil RT, Fleisher C, Torrico TJ. Borderline Personality Disorder. 2024 Apr 20. In: StatPearls [Internet]. Treasure Island (FL): StatPearls Publishing; 2024 Jan–. PMID: 28613633.

² Hawkins AA, Furr RM, Arnold EM, Law MK, Mneimne M, Fleeson W. The structure of borderline personality disorder symptoms: a multi-method, multi-sample examination. Personal Disord. 2014 Oct;5(4):380-9. doi: 10.1037/per0000086. PMID: 25314228; PMCID: PMC4197810.

³ Palihawadana V, Broadbear JH, Rao S. Reviewing the clinical significance of ‘fear of abandonment’ in borderline personality disorder. Australas Psychiatry. 2019 Feb;27(1):60-63. doi: 10.1177/1039856218810154. Epub 2018 Nov 7. PMID: 30403145.

⁴ Jeong H, Jin MJ, Hyun MH. Understanding a Mutually Destructive Relationship Between Individuals With Borderline Personality Disorder and Their Favorite Person. Psychiatry Investig. 2022 Dec;19(12):1069-1077. doi: 10.30773/pi.2022.0079. Epub 2022 Dec 22. PMID: 36588441; PMCID: PMC9806505.

⁵ Elmquist J, Shorey RC, Anderson S, Stuart GL. Are Borderline Personality Symptoms Associated With Compulsive Sexual Behaviors Among Women in Treatment for Substance Use Disorders? An Exploratory Study. J Clin Psychol. 2016 Oct;72(10):1077-87. doi: 10.1002/jclp.22310. Epub 2016 Apr 5. PMID: 27059090; PMCID: PMC5030119.

⁶ Crotty K, Viswanathan M, Kennedy S, Edlund MJ, Ali R, Siddiqui M, Wines R, Ratajczak P, Gartlehner G. Psychotherapies for the treatment of borderline personality disorder: A systematic review. J Consult Clin Psychol. 2024 May;92(5):275-295. doi: 10.1037/ccp0000833. Epub 2023 Oct 30. PMID: 37902689.

⁷ Sulzer SH, Muenchow E, Potvin A, Harris J, Gigot G. Improving patient-centered communication of the borderline personality disorder diagnosis. J Ment Health. 2016;25(1):5-9. doi: 10.3109/09638237.2015.1022253. Epub 2015 Sep 11. PMID: 26360788; PMCID: PMC4937878.

⁸ Kramer U. The Role of Coping Change in Borderline Personality Disorder: A Process-Outcome Analysis on Dialectical-Behaviour Skills Training. Clin Psychol Psychother. 2017 Mar;24(2):302-311. doi: 10.1002/cpp.2017. Epub 2016 Apr 21. PMID: 27098296.