While it’s common for infants, toddlers, and young children to have separation anxiety, most outgrow it by their late childhood. However, a percentage of the population still struggles with the condition into their adulthood. If you are one of these adults, you may wonder how to deal with separation anxiety.

Handling this type of anxiety can be difficult. Everyone experiences the condition differently. For example, some may find they only have separation anxiety when their significant other isn’t around. Others may feel this way without an emotional support animal.

Regardless of your circumstances, we’re going to use this article as a way to better understand separation anxiety disorder and how to cope with it.

What is Separation Anxiety Disorder?

Separation anxiety is a type of anxiety disorder that causes symptoms when a person is disconnected from another person. While infants, toddlers, and children tend to develop it, the condition also affects teenagers and adults. ¹ It also occurs as a separate symptom for other mental illnesses, such as borderline personality disorder (BPD). ²

Separation anxiety symptoms include:

• Abnormal worry about losing a loved one (i.e. in a disaster)
• Anxiety over an event (i.e. being kidnapped) that causes separation
• Continuously severe distress about being away from a loved one or home
• Inability to leave home due to fear of separation
• Nightmares about separation
• Not wanting to be home alone (or without a specific person)
• Physical symptoms (i.e. headaches or stomachaches) when separated from loved one

Separation anxiety is diagnosed when symptoms become excessive and cause significant distress in daily life. While it’s not always the case, some people with separation anxiety report having panic attacks and developing a panic disorder.

Causes and Risk Factors

The causes of separation anxiety can come from several external and internal sources. While researchers still don’t 100% know what causes separation anxiety, we do know it can be caused by:

• Genetics. If a blood relative has any type of anxiety disorder, there’s a greater risk of you developing separation anxiety (or other forms of anxiety). ³

• Life Stresses that resulted in separation. For example, the illness or death of a loved one, loss of a pet, moving to a new place, or the divorce of parents. ⁴

• Environmental Issues that involve separation, such as a natural disaster. ⁵

• Temperaments that are prone to anxiety disorders. ⁶

Separation anxiety may also be caused by other mental health conditions, such as social anxiety, obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), and depression.

How to Deal with Separation Anxiety

To treat separation anxiety, it’s beneficial to implement coping mechanisms. Since this condition affects different age groups, coping techniques vary depending on your age (as detailed below).

However, the best technique for all ages is to practice separation for brief periods. If you struggle greatly, it can help to keep distances short and attempt to understand your feelings. As you practice, continue separations for longer periods at further distances.

How to Deal with Separation Anxiety in Adults

If you’re an adult with separation anxiety, you may find the following techniques beneficial:

• Don’t Ask for Reassurance – While it may provide relief at first, constantly seeking out reassurance will only continue to fuel separation anxiety. Furthermore, it may lead to what you fear most; rejection.

• Keep Busy – To reduce anxiety, you want to keep the mind occupied with various tasks. These may include making plans with friends, doing household chores, or participating in your favorite hobby. However, don’t let busyness stress you out as this may further anxiety. ⁷

• Seek Professional Help – Especially if your anxiety is negatively affecting your daily life.

• Try to Develop Positive Thoughts – With anxiety, you’re plagued with negative thought patterns. When separated from a loved one, it’s in your interest to consider the positives of the situation rather than the negatives. ⁸

• Understand Your Emotional Barometer – As an adult, you can recognize that you’re being overly sensitive and your anxiety is produced by false beliefs. This simple understanding can be greatly beneficial in overcoming separation anxiety.

These techniques can also work to deal with separation anxiety in a relationship and other age groups.

How to Deal with Separation Anxiety in Teens

Separation anxiety only affects 3.9% of young teenagers (12 to 14) and about 1.3% of teenagers (14 to 16). Still, those who do struggle with the condition will find it difficult to complete responsibilities (i.e. school). As a parent, managing a teenager in this position is difficult. Therefore, you should consider the following techniques:

• Don’t Remove Triggers – While it’s in your best interest to be there for your child, it’s not beneficial to encourage them to avoid what causes anxiety. With avoidance, they may never learn how to move past their fears. ⁹

• Instill Confidence – Even when your child approaches a scary situation, it’s important to remind them that they’re strong and capable of overcoming these scenarios, even without you.

• Show Support – If you’ve noticed separation anxiety in your teenager (or they have opened up about it), it’s key to be a part of their support system. Adolescence comes with many trials and errors and it’s all a much easier process when a teenager has a strong support system.

These techniques may also be helpful for other age groups, including adults and children.

How to Deal with Separation Anxiety in Children

You may wonder how to help a child with separation anxiety at school or other places you’re not around. Luckily, it’s fairly normal for a child to feel fear when not by the parent’s side (especially in early ages, such as toddlers). With the right coping strategies, you can help your child overcome these fears and allow them to prosper into adulthood.

• Develop a “Goodbye” Ritual – If your child continuously sees you say goodbye similarly, they’ll better understand that you’ll also return. This can be as simple as waving “goodbye” through the window or kissing them when you leave the house.

• Don’t Give Into Your Child’s Separation Anxiety – While this may be difficult for some parents, your child must learn how to deal with their fears on their own terms. If you give into their anxieties (i.e. sticking around when you need to be somewhere else), you only fuel their condition.

• Make New Surroundings Feel Similar – One reason your child may struggle with separation anxiety is because they aren’t comfortable in new environments. To relieve this stress, you can bring familiar objects when you go out (i.e. a favorite toy).

You should practice separation with a child after you’ve taken care of their needs (i.e. naps, feedings, diaper changes, etc.). These practices can also be applied to babies.

Final Word

As with other forms of anxiety, it’s going to take time before you find the right coping mechanisms to overcome your fears. However, with time and patience, it is possible to overcome symptoms.

Adults with separation anxiety may also benefit from different supplements that have been found to relieve stress. As for teenagers, children, and babies, a parent’s guidance will be fundamental to determine how your child overcomes this condition.

References

¹ Feriante J, Torrico TJ, Bernstein B. Separation Anxiety Disorder. 2023 Feb 26. In: StatPearls [Internet]. Treasure Island (FL): StatPearls Publishing; 2024 Jan–. PMID: 32809628.

² Matthies S, Schiele MA, Koentges C, Pini S, Schmahl C, Domschke K. Please Don’t Leave Me-Separation Anxiety and Related Traits in Borderline Personality Disorder. Curr Psychiatry Rep. 2018 Aug 28;20(10):83. doi: 10.1007/s11920-018-0951-6. PMID: 30155649.

³ Gottschalk MG, Domschke K. Genetics of generalized anxiety disorder and related traits. Dialogues Clin Neurosci. 2017 Jun;19(2):159-168. doi: 10.31887/DCNS.2017.19.2/kdomschke. PMID: 28867940; PMCID: PMC5573560.

⁴ Vanderwerker LC, Jacobs SC, Parkes CM, Prigerson HG. An exploration of associations between separation anxiety in childhood and complicated grief in later life. J Nerv Ment Dis. 2006 Feb;194(2):121-3. doi: 10.1097/01.nmd.0000198146.28182.d5. PMID: 16477190.

⁵ Feigon SA, Waldman ID, Levy F, Hay DA. Genetic and environmental influences on separation anxiety disorder symptoms and their moderation by age and sex. Behav Genet. 2001 Sep;31(5):403-11. doi: 10.1023/a:1012738304233. PMID: 11777169.

⁶ Mertol S, Alkın T. Temperament and character dimensions of patients with adult separation anxiety disorder. J Affect Disord. 2012 Jul;139(2):199-203. doi: 10.1016/j.jad.2012.02.034. Epub 2012 Mar 21. PMID: 22440427.

⁷ Cadorette M, Agnew J. Mental Health in the Workplace. Workplace Health Saf. 2017 Sep;65(9):448. doi: 10.1177/2165079917716188. Epub 2017 Jul 13. PMID: 28703037.

⁸ Rood L, Roelofs J, Bögels SM, Alloy LB. Dimensions of Negative Thinking and the Relations with Symptoms of Depression and Anxiety in Children and Adolescents. Cognit Ther Res. 2010 Aug;34(4):333-342. doi: 10.1007/s10608-009-9261-y. Epub 2009 Jul 29. PMID: 20676215; PMCID: PMC2899011.

⁹ Steimer T. The biology of fear- and anxiety-related behaviors. Dialogues Clin Neurosci. 2002 Sep;4(3):231-49. doi: 10.31887/DCNS.2002.4.3/tsteimer. PMID: 22033741; PMCID: PMC3181681.