If you and your significant other are always in conflict, one of your needs is not being met. Identifying this need and working together to reach it is essential for a long and happy connection. This is our guide to the proper communication in relationships for men.
How to Communicate Better in a Relationship
Communication in a relationship all comes down to one simple desire: it’s an attempt for our needs to be met. And this spawns from our earliest understanding of communication.
For example, when you’re a baby, what do you do if you’re hungry or need your diaper changed? You cry to communicate to your parents that something is wrong.
As we age, our communication complicates. Beyond the fact that we develop a strong vocabulary to express ourselves, our needs become much more intrinsic.
The difficulty is very few people understand this element of communication. And when it comes to communication in relationships for men, this often results in the “Blame Game.”
Avoid the Blame Game
When two people struggle to relate to one other, they usually result to two modes of thought: 1.) it’s my fault, or 2.) it’s your fault. This is the Blame Game.
The Blame Game can come in many words and span different topics. However, it all comes down to the solution that someone is at fault for any misunderstanding within a partnership.
While women can be just as guilty of the Blame Game as men, men tend to resort to this line of thinking for different reasons. This tends to happen in the following steps:
1.) Suppression of Emotions
When a man feel upset in a relationship, he often ignores or suppresses his feelings from himself and his partner. He tell himself everything is (or should be) okay. In other words, he’s in denial.
2.) Prolonged Suppression
If a man suppresses his feelings for an extended time, it’s likely going to frustrate him more and more.
3.) Burst of the Bottle
If emotions are suppressed long enough, a man may burst out in a fit of anger (or rage). This often results in pointing fingers at his partner and blaming them for these actions.
4.) Regret and Shame
After an anger outburst, a man tends to feel regret and shame for his actions. As a result, he turns to blaming himself – usually out of recognition that he’s been dealing with an internal struggle. This may lead to questions like, “Why couldn’t I just be in control of my emotions?”
5.) Period of Peace
If partners agree to reconcile, the man often promises not to let emotions get the better of him again. This results in a period of peace for the relationship. However, it also means the man will continue to deny his feelings, suppress emotions, and not instill boundaries.
From there, the cycle repeats itself.
Understand Your Feelings
So, how do you break this cycle? When it comes to communication in relationships for men, the first step is recognizing your emotions and where they come from. Remember that your desire to communicate is an attempt to get your needs met.
So, what are your needs? Naturally, this looks different for each man and his relationship. For example, some men may feel a sense of loneliness in their relationships. As though their partner’s needs triumph theirs. Others may feel overwhelmed with the amount of responsibilities a partner expects from them.
To identify your needs, it can help to speak to a mental health counselor. Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) is an effective way of recognizing negative thought patterns, their source, and developing healthy coping mechanisms to work through emotions. ¹
Some men may find other tactics more effective. For example, meditation is a great way to identify negative emotions and understand why you experience them. ²
The important thing is you need to stop suppressing emotions. In order to prevent this suppression, you need to understand your emotions. And for some men, this may be the first step when they seek how to improve communication skills in relationships.
Emotions and What They Mean
Emotions are more than just a feeling you get. They play an essential role in your behavior, personal significance, and physiological responses. For this reason, we’ve identified the most essential emotions that may come up within a relationship and how they may be affecting you:
Happy
Feeling: Playful, fulfilled, intrigued, accomplished, appreciated, empowered, serene, trusting, hopeful, energized, mischievous, liberated, elated, curious, exploratory, victorious, self-assured, esteemed, cherished, brave, imaginative, compassionate, grateful, perceptive, connected, optimistic, motivated.
Behavior: Smiling frequently, expressing gratitude, engaging in enjoyable activities, spending time with partner (or other loved ones), being kind, laughing easily, pursuing personal goals, maintaining healthy relationships, expressing positive emotions.
Personal Significance: Impacts your overall well-being, allows you to better cope with challenges, build strong relationships, experience positive emotions, and live an overall more fulfilling life.
Physiological Response: Increased heart rate/breathing, warmer body, circulatory changes (i.e. blushed cheeks), changes in digestive tract (i.e. increased appetite), reduced muscle tension.
Bad
Feeling: Bored, occupied, tense, fatigued, uninterested, unmotivated, burdened, hurried, overloaded, chaotic, drowsy, distracted.
Behavior: Procrastination, seeking distractions, multitasking, decline in social interactions, zoning out, daydreaming, lack of enthusiasm, sighing, forgetting things.
Personal Significance: Lack of stimulation and purpose, underlying stress and anxiety, physical and emotional exhaustion, disconnection, lack of energy/inspiration, sense of urgency, lack of focus or rest.
Physiological Response: Slow heart rate, low dopamine levels, restlessness, muscle tension, slower brain function, lower physical stamina.
Fearful
Feeling: Afraid, uneasy, uncertain, fragile, abandoned, vulnerable, powerless, alarmed, overburdened, concerned, unworthy, lesser, devalued, minor, isolated, targeted, apprehensive, defenseless.
Behavior: Avoidance, overthinking, withdrawal, seeking reassurance, procrastination, self-criticism, perfectionism, hypervigilance, people-pleasing, clinging, self-sabotage, defensiveness.
Personal Significance: Limits growth and opportunity, mental exhaustion, weakened relationships, reduced self-esteem, stress, erodes self-worth, chronic dissatisfaction.
Physiological Response: Increased heart rate and blood pressure, rapid breathing, shortness of breath, muscle tension, shaking, dilated pupils, heightened senses, nausea, cold sweats, rapid eye movement.
Surprise
Feeling: Bewildered, thrilled, elated, stunned, disappointed, disheartened, puzzled, astounded, awestruck, enthusiastic, and invigorated.
Behavior: Gasping, jumping or flinching, wide eyes, pausing and hesitating, cheerful, energetic, rapid speech, impulsive actions, speechlessness, frustration.
Personal Significance: Enhanced awareness, critical thinking, boosts morale, fuels motivation, drives curiosity, encourage humility.
Physiological Response: Increased heart rate, quick breathing, pausing, smiling, flushed skin, increased energy, restlessness.
Note that “surprise” can be both positive and negative. Therefore, it can lead to separate responses (i.e. happiness or sadness).
Disgust
Feeling: Critical, disheartened, unpleasant, condemning, ashamed, shocked, repulsed, sickened, loathsome, alarmed, reluctant.
Behavior: Stepping back, frowning, vocalizing disapproval, avoiding eye contact, nervousness, gasping, showing visible discomfort, stalling, weak verbal responses.
Personal Significance: Internal need for high standards, unmet expectations, feeling of loss, cross in personal boundaries, concern of others, emotional overload or disbelief, sense of threat or fear.
Physiological Response: Increased heart rate, tense jar or neck, slowed breathing, low energy, nausea, blushing, sweaty palms, gag reflex, cold sweats, tightness in chest, fidgeting.
Anger
Feeling: Bitter, insulted, mocked, outraged, assaulted, enraged, envious, irritated, antagonistic, livid, frustrated, detached, apathetic, doubtful, contemptuous.
Behavior: Sarcastic comments, holding grudges, laughing off situations, defensiveness, withdraw, yelling, pacing, quick responses, snapping, engaging in arguments, storming off, slamming doors.
Personal Significance: Insecurity and vulnerability, deep need for recognition and respect, violation of trust, feelings of inadequacy, unresolved issues, deep emotional distress, indicates obstacles.
Physiological Response: Increased heart rate, raised body temperature, flushed (or reddened) skin, muscle tension, faster/slower breathing, clenched fists, tightened jar, dilated pupils, sweating, shaking or trembling.
Sad
Feeling: Isolated, defenseless, hopeless, remorseful, downhearted, wounded, self-conscious, let down, in adequate, hollow, regretful, embarrassed, helpless, sorrowful, fragile, oppressed, deserted, alone.
Behavior: Avoid social interaction, accept negative treatment, give up on tasks, apologize repeatedly, reduced energy, physical signs of distress (i.e. sighing), hesitant speech, lack of engagement, seeking forgiveness, self-blame, crying.
Personal Significance: Feel misunderstood or rejected, signal vulnerability or lack of control, strong responsibility for past actions, emotional fatigue, lack of fulfillment, unmet expectations, self-doubt, low self-esteem, emotional disconnection.
Physiological Response: Avoiding eye contact, slumped posture, body tension, slow movements, sluggishness, physical signs of discomfort (i.e. hunched shoulders), weak voice, trembling.
If you find any of these emotions arise when you’re with your partner, it’s important to recognize what they’re doing to you.
However, even more importantly, you need to understand that these come from a place within yourself. Therefore, when it comes to communication in relationships for men, you need to be aware these aren’t necessarily reflection of your partner’s actions.
Effective Communication is About Human Needs
Men struggle to understand their emotions because they believe they’re not allowed to have needs. This comes from a deep desire to be self-sufficient – or, to be able to provide for a household.
Still, all men have needs within a relationship. And more often than not, these are basic human needs we all have when getting into a partnership.
- Autonomy – Having choices and freedom.
- Connection – A sense of belonging and cooperation.
- Honesty – The ability to have authentic conversations and building trust.
- Meaning – Self-expression, hope, and discovery.
- Peace – Tranquility in one’s life and circumstances.
- Play – Joy and humor.
- Physical Well-Being – A need for the basics (i.e. food and shelter), sexual expression, and proper body movement.
If you feel the need to communicate something with your partner, it’s because one of these needs is not being met. And when a need continues to be unmet, it’s matched with strong emotions.
Understanding this pattern of your brain is essential to knowing how to talk to a partner. Admittedly, it may take you some time to learn of your patterns. This is why patience and empathy are essential to building a strong relationship. ³
Final Word
When it comes to communication and relationships, active listening is essential. And we don’t mean just listening to your partner – we also mean listening to yourself.
If you have to communicate something to your partner, it’s because a need of yours is not being met. If this need continues to go unmet, it can result in strong emotions. Strong emotions are what lead to conflict within a relationship.
Therefore, communication in relationships for men require an understanding of yourself. You have to take the time to understand you needs, your emotions, and how to properly communicate them.
Relationship Communication FAQs
How to communicate in a relationship as a man?
Know your needs and the motions they produce. From there, talk to your partner clearly, honestly, and directly. Avoid blaming your partner and ensure a safe environment.
Why is it difficult for men to communicate?
Most men don’t consider their needs due to the nature of masculinity. As such, when needs are ignored, it brings about strong emotions. If an emotion isn’t properly understood, a man will struggle to communicate it.
How to deal with a man who doesn’t communicate?
If your partner doesn’t communicate, you need to meet them with patience and support. They may need time to properly understand themselves and know how to communicate what they’re experiencing.
Why is communication important to a man?
Effective communication is important to any relationship, personal growth, and emotional well-being. Men who know how to communicate often have traits of stoicism and emotional restraint – in other words, they know how to control themselves and effectively lead.
What does poor communication look like in a relationship?
Poor communication is often marked by the “blame game.” However, it can also result in poor listening, resentment, difficulty compromising, frustration, interruptions, negative body language, and decreased intimacy.
References
¹ Nakao M, Shirotsuki K, Sugaya N. Cognitive-behavioral therapy for management of mental health and stress-related disorders: Recent advances in techniques and technologies. Biopsychosoc Med. 2021 Oct 3;15(1):16. doi: 10.1186/s13030-021-00219-w. PMID: 34602086; PMCID: PMC8489050.
² Crosswell AD, Moreno PI, Raposa EB, Motivala SJ, Stanton AL, Ganz PA, Bower JE. Effects of mindfulness training on emotional and physiologic recovery from induced negative affect. Psychoneuroendocrinology. 2017 Dec;86:78-86. doi: 10.1016/j.psyneuen.2017.08.003. Epub 2017 Aug 4. PMID: 28923751; PMCID: PMC5854159.
³ Ulloa EC, Hammett JF, Meda NA, Rubalcava SJ. Empathy and Romantic Relationship Quality among Cohabitating Couples: An Actor-Partner Interdependence Model. Fam J Alex Va. 2017 Jul;25(3):208-214. doi: 10.1177/1066480717710644. Epub 2017 May 22. PMID: 38505465; PMCID: PMC10950301.
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