Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is a mental health condition characterized by an individual’s thoughts and feelings towards themselves and others. Symptoms of BPD often result in conflicts. This can make it difficult to say “no” to someone with borderline personality disorder.

If someone you love struggles with BPD and you’re currently trying to help them, it’s essential to stand your ground. Throughout this article, we’ll discuss BPD, how it affects those who struggle, and what you can do to help a loved one.

What is Borderline Personality Disorder?

Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is a mood disorder that often causes the following: ¹

• Behavior complications
• Mood swings
• Problems with self-image

Due to its nature, BPD will make a person impulsive and create difficulties within a relationship. Furthermore, those with BPD may also experience other mental health conditions, such as anger, anxiety, and depression.

People with BPD tend to have extreme perspectives of themselves and others. Their opinions constantly change and their emotions shift from one intensity to another. This can lead to the following symptoms:

• Abandonment issues (real and imagined)
• Feelings of emptiness
• Impulsive actions and dangerous behaviors (i.e. unsafe sex, substance abuse, etc.)
• Misrepresented view of self and others
• Patterns of severe and unstable relationships (with family, friends, and other loved ones)
• Self-harm and suicidal thoughts/behaviors
• Sense of dissociation (feeling cut off from oneself or others)
• Severe mood swings of intense emotion
• Trust issues that can result in irrational fears

What Causes BPD?

Currently, there is no clear way to indicate the causes of BPD. However, researchers agree it may have to do with the following:

• Brain Function – Studies have found that people with BPD tend to have structural and functional differences in the brain. Especially in areas that are responsible for impulse and emotional control. ²

• Environmental – Many with BPD report previous experiences of a traumatic life event, including childhood abuse, abandonment, adversity, unstable relationships, and aggressive conflicts. ³

• Genetics – Those with close relatives (i.e. sibling, parent, etc.) who struggle with BPD are at a much higher risk of developing it themselves. ⁴

How Does BPD Affect Relationships?

Due to the nature of symptoms, BPD relationships are usually dysfunctional. While everyone’s relationship is different, some may find themselves in the following predicaments: ⁵

• Having a partner with severe abandonment issues. So much so that a BPD partner obsessively does everything in their power to ensure their significant other is satisfied with the relationship.

• When a BPD partner experiences a sudden and intense shift in emotions, they may become angry and hostile towards their significant other. Furthermore, they may try to detach entirely.

• Since people with BPD tend to be more impulsive, they may do something that their partner isn’t comfortable with which can result in conflict.

Of course, this isn’t to say that those with BPD cannot be in healthy relationships. In fact, some will find their BPD partner to be extremely caring, compassionate, and devoted to the relationship. Still, if your partner has BPD, there are some obstacles you may need to work around.

Saying No to Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder

People with BPD tend to experience very extreme emotions when it comes to their relationships. With that, it can be difficult for the person without BPD to say “no.”

Of course, we all come across instances where we have to say “no.” However, the intensity of emotions from a BPD partner may make us want to avoid confrontation at all costs. If so, we may find our word doesn’t have any authority through communication.

While it’s essential we do say “no” when we mean it, it’s just as important to understand and work with the sensitivity of our BPD partner. There is no average length of a BPD relationship or a BPD friendship cycle. Longevity ultimately comes down to both party’s willingness to participate. Here are five different ways that will provide better communication:

1.) Listen to What They Have to Say

Someone with BPD knows when you’re not listening to them. Their symptoms cause them to be extremely perceptive, allowing them to read how you feel simply from facial expressions. While this may feel confrontational, you shouldn’t view it through such a light.

Rather, you should genuinely attempt to listen to what your partner has to say. More often than not, people with BPD weren’t listened to as a child. You don’t always need to know how to respond, you just have to try and see things through their perspective.

Naturally, this can be difficult as you’ve never experienced BPD yourself. For this reason, it’s highly recommended you do some research on BPD, the abandonment issues they face, and how to better help with their symptoms.

2.) Confirm Their Emotions, Not Conduct

When it comes to saying no to someone with BPD, there’s the challenge of emotional sensitivity. ⁶ As we’ve discussed, those with BPD often experience intense mood swings that are followed by behavioral complications. While their feelings may be validated, their conduct may be rejected.

For example, when you don’t show emotions, your BPD partner may feel as though you’ll leave them. These feelings are validated. However, if your BPD partner acts on these feelings by participating in unsafe sex with another, then their behavior becomes invalid.

While that’s an extreme example, it gives you a perspective on how a person with BPD conducts their life. To grow closer to someone with BPD, you’ll want to try and understand their emotions. It shows that you make the effort to see things from their perspective.

3.) Try to See Things Through Their Perspective

While this isn’t always true, many people with BPD are survivors of trauma. Most often, people with BPD have experienced childhood trauma that they haven’t been able to let go of. In turn, when you address someone with this condition, you’re likely also addressing that trauma.

With that in mind, there’s no denying it’s difficult to say “no” to a child. However, many parents still manage.

Saying “no” to someone with BPD is a bit more complicated though. First, you need to get down to their level and understand the childhood trauma that causes conflict. Second, once you have a better comprehension, you must act as an adult dealing with an adult.

Instead of arguing over the “content” of their argument, it may be better to address aspects of their trauma that have gone unmet. Of course, the only way to know these aspects is by getting to know your BPD partner and the trauma they have been through.

4.) Set Boundaries Where Necessary

Even though you need to get to their level to understand things, you don’t have to bear all the responsibilities. Even though they struggle with childhood trauma, this is not an excuse to ignore adulthood responsibilities.

For this reason, it’s important that you set boundaries in your relationship. For example, you may find that you only have so much empathy to offer and that your BPD partner often seeks out more. It’s key that they understand your limits and how much you can handle.

Naturally, you probably won’t be able to set boundaries during an emotional episode. However, you can do so in moments before your BPD partner is triggered. A good way to identify these boundaries is by saying something along the lines of, “I understand you feel [this way] and I will do [what I can to help], but I cannot condone [this behavior].”

You don’t necessarily want to ignore someone with BPD. This could lead to more fears of abandonment. Rather, you want to talk with them one-on-one so they understand your limitations.

5.) Keep Yourself in Mind

While you may be in a relationship with someone with BPD, you are not their saving grace. You have your own needs and difficulties as well as they do. Therefore, there needs to be an effort on both ends to ensure a healthy relationship.

Even though you can’t get rid of your partner’s past traumas, you can be compassionate and grow with them. Furthermore, you can be their number one advocate for treatment.

There are a lot of difficulties in saying no to someone with BPD. However, if you can look past these difficulties and develop a strategy, we guarantee you’ll be able to say it as you would to any other person.

References

¹ Leichsenring F, Heim N, Leweke F, Spitzer C, Steinert C, Kernberg OF. Borderline Personality Disorder: A Review. JAMA. 2023 Feb 28;329(8):670-679. doi: 10.1001/jama.2023.0589. PMID: 36853245.

² O’Neill A, Frodl T. Brain structure and function in borderline personality disorder. Brain Struct Funct. 2012 Oct;217(4):767-82. doi: 10.1007/s00429-012-0379-4. Epub 2012 Jan 18. PMID: 22252376.

³ van der Kolk BA, Hostetler A, Herron N, Fisler RE. Trauma and the development of borderline personality disorder. Psychiatr Clin North Am. 1994 Dec;17(4):715-30. PMID: 7533284.

⁴ Lis E, Greenfield B, Henry M, Guilé JM, Dougherty G. Neuroimaging and genetics of borderline personality disorder: a review. J Psychiatry Neurosci. 2007 May;32(3):162-73. PMID: 17476363; PMCID: PMC1863557.

⁵ Hill J, Stepp SD, Wan MW, Hope H, Morse JQ, Steele M, Steele H, Pilkonis PA. Attachment, borderline personality, and romantic relationship dysfunction. J Pers Disord. 2011 Dec;25(6):789-805. doi: 10.1521/pedi.2011.25.6.789. PMID: 22217225; PMCID: PMC4075428.

⁶ Carpenter RW, Trull TJ. Components of emotion dysregulation in borderline personality disorder: a review. Curr Psychiatry Rep. 2013 Jan;15(1):335. doi: 10.1007/s11920-012-0335-2. PMID: 23250816; PMCID: PMC3973423.